All is Vanity

I really enjoy seeing vanity license plates. I even have one of my own. It can be fun when people get creative with them. I've seen some really funny ones lately, and I always want to take a picture. However, it feels slightly awkward pulling out your phone, trying to be subtle about taking a picture of someone's car. That would be a difficult one to explain if you got caught. But as many funny or clever ones there are, there are some that make think the owner of the vehicle should drive themselves to get some help. Now, I wish I had pictures for proof, but all these that follow are actual plates I've seen here in Virginia.


APSYCHO- Now, you could give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they are a mental health professional, but gauging from the pick-up truck I saw this on, I highly doubt it.

POO GRL- Most likely this girl really loves Winnie the Pooh. But really the "H" on the end of the word POO would be pretty critical to that theory. Perhaps it is a mom who has a sense of humor about the number of diapers she has to change?

SPEEDR- I bet they don't get pulled over often!

CHIKNPI- I love chicken pie as much as the next guy, but you would have to really have an affection for it to take it to this kind of extreme. Or, perhaps they run a business selling chicken pies. In which case a bumper sticker would probably be more effective.

JAGRBMB- For those of you unfamiliar with a jagerbomb it is a cocktail made of Jagermeister (a German-made herbal liqueur) and Red Bull (an energy drink). If you had maybe invented this cocktail you might put it on your license plate, but I just can't fathom going around with it on your vehicle just because you find it to be an enjoyable beverage. I love many beverages, but none of them enough to make that kind of a statement.

2 2MANY- We have all seen the vanity plates that say: MOMX12 or KTSMOM, or many other statements about ones progeny. But if this means what I think it means, then that is pretty sad!
And I did see it on a van, which is historically a family vehicle.

FUDPUKR- This one could probably be interpreted in a couple different ways, but when I look at it all I see is food puker. This is pretty disturbing, so I am hoping my interpretation is wrong!
And to be totally honest I did not actually see this one; Zach and David did. I am pretty sure they didn't make it up.

H82CLN- Now, this is something I can relate to. Although I don't think I would go advertising my lack of hygiene.


Lastly, if any of these belong to you, I mean no offense. And I hope I did not misrepresent anybody. However, that being said, some of these look a little disturbing at best.

Things nobody told me

I have been thinking lately. About all the things nobody ever tells you about parenting. When you are pregnant, or have a newborn people are always giving you advice. Most of the time unsolicited. But still it is pretty constant. Some people even seem to like to scare the mothers-to-be with horrible stories of 49 hour labor and that kind of thing. People will tell you how often you will have to change poopy diapers. But i do not remember anyone telling me that in a few short years there would be times I would have to hose down my child to get the diarrhea off of his head. Nobody told me I would be standing outside in 20 degree weather cleaning vomit out of my car. Granted, most kids do not throw up as much as Calvin. Come to think of it, I have never met anyone of any age who throws up as much as Calvin! But nobody tells you this kind of stuff, like how many times a day you have to use the phrase" ____ (fill-in-the-blank) does not belong in your pants!" One might think that it would be common sense, but apparently even 5-year-olds have trouble with that. I never knew that is was possible for a person to get so incredibly dirty during the course of daily activities. I mean, I don't think my kids go rolling in the mud when I am not looking, but I would have to bathe them and change their clothes at least 5 times a day if I wanted them to stay perfectly clean. I never imagined it would be so difficult to do every day things like simply getting to the car. I thought once they could walk and do some things on their own, it would get easier. I thought once they could feed themselves, meals would be easier. I also thought that once they were potty trained, it meant that all subsequent potty would be in the toilet. And what I have learned is that it does not necessarily get easier, because with each phase you just have different challenges.

Maybe there were people telling me and I was not listening. Perhaps I just tuned it out because it did not pertain to me at the time. But the good news is: as hard as things can be, there is much joy! My kids are so fun, and they can almost always make me laugh, even when I am mad. Corban can look at me, cock his head to the side and ask, "are you angry?" And if I was angry, it just melts away.

I can't even begin to imagine what nobody is telling me about teenagers!

Blog envy

As you may have noticed, I do not update my blog very frequently. I look at my blog every day. Most days, I even think about posting. Some days I have a great idea for post, but am too lazy to do it. But I do get a little jealous of others' blogging abilities. One blogger I read, updates almost every day. I do not know how she does it. And she can take the most mundane things and make it very funny. Another one of my friends blog, has an incredible gift for extracting great spiritual truths out of every day, simple things. Another friend always has interesting creative projects, that I love to follow the progress of. One friend of mine has a blog about the incredible, life changing things he and his family are doing in a third-world country.

And then there is me! Sometimes I think I have a great idea for a post and it just does not translate when I try to write. Or sometimes, I just flat out forget what I was going to write.

I guess in times like these, what can you do but put up a fun video clip.

Incredible Pizza

I was playing with Corban this morning. He came up to me with his Incredible Hulk mask on. So naturally assuming he was playing Incredible Hulk I asked, "How are you, Incredible Hulk?" He looked at me incredulously and said, "I not redble ulk, I pizza man." So playing along I asked if I could please have some pizza. To which he replied, "I no have pizza, I have pop tarts."

I don't think I get this game! But I must admit, it is a welcome break from Star Wars. Both Calvin and Corban are entirely obsessed with Star Wars. It is the only thing they talk about. It is the only thing they play. From morning to night, it gets a little old. A few weeks ago we had been out really late. While driving home Calvin was almost asleep. He kept trying to tell me something about Star Wars. I wanted him to rest so I had to keep telling him he could tell me later. Well, the very first words out of his mouth the next morning were a continuation of what he had started the night before. So, apparently he thought about it all night. Corban is the same way, though. He will come into our room first thing in the morning listing all the Star Wars characters he knows, telling us who is a bad guy and who is a good guy. They also watch the movies constantly (which may be my fault). Calvin got the set of the first three movies for Christmas and has nearly worn them out. Every time I let them watch a movie, it is a given that they will pick Star Wars.

I just have to keep reminding myself that this is a phase and it will pass. In a couple of years I might miss the sound of my boys beating each other with foam light sabers. Perhaps I might be able to use some of this information for things like trivia.  For instance, I now know that the Millennium Falcon did the Kessel run in under 12 parsecs.

And there are always worse things that they could be obsessed with. I might have really lost my mind by now if they had become obsessed with Barney.

Quotable Calvin.....And Corban

I know it's been a long time since I've done a Quotable Calvin post, and it's not by any means for lack of material. It's only because I forget to write things down. But the good news is, now I can start including some Corban quotes. While not as sophisticated as Calvin's, Corban's are pretty funny. Enjoy:



A few nights ago Corban was running around saying, "Ooh ooh, aah aah". I asked him if he was a monkey. He looked at me with a look that said, "huh?" and he said, "No, I'm a butterfly."



Calvin and Zach were having a pretty deep conversation about the word infinite, and about things that are infinite. So I decided to see what he had learned. I asked him the definition of the word, and he answered really well. I then asked him what kind of things are infinite. He started off good, but quickly took another direction. He replied, "Numbers are infinite, and God is infinite; what if you were a Star Wars guy and lined up all the bad guys in a row and shot them."



Also in the category of randomness: I was busy in the kitchen and Calvin asked if slime could be any color. I launched into an explanation of how different things affect the color outcome of slime. To which he said, "Well, if slime was fruit colored, it would be a rainbow."



Before the bath one evening, the kids were being particularly silly. I looked at Corban and told him I thought he was funny. He said, "I not funny, I weird."



When I was putting Calvin to bed one night, he was still apprehensive about the idea of getting a flu shot. He asked when they would get it, where would they get it, how bad would it hurt, and many more. Then he said, "I wish they only had flu shots in Texas." Apparently that is the most remote/exotic or removed location he could think of.



While Zach was driving home one night over a particularly curvy road, Calvin half asleep in the back seat said, "These dangerous curves are really freakin' me out."

Lampy The Garbage Truck

Calvin is getting older and these days we read books instead of telling stories at bedtime. There is a good and a bad side to it. On one hand, the books we read are pretty enjoyable for me as well. We have read Charlotte's Web, Little House on the Prairie, and the whole Chronicles of Narnia series to name a few. On the other hand, sometimes I miss telling him stories. One night, when he was still getting bedtime stories, I asked him what he wanted the story to be about. He replied, "a garbage truck". I asked him what this garbage truck should be called he said, "Lampy", naturally. I assume that was in reference to Larry Boy and one of the villains in Bumblyburg. His name is Awful Alvin and his faithful sidekick is Lampy (a lamp). So anyways the name stuck and we have had many, many stories starring Lampy the garbage truck. Well, one night recently Corban asked for a bedtime story. So I told him one of the Lampy stories. Now, he can't get enough. He asks for a Lampy story every night now, and I am happy to oblige. And, because I am sure you are dying to hear one, here is a Lampy story for you:

One of the many adventures of Lampy the garbage truck.



One morning Lampy was out picking up the rubbish. He does that every morning; it is his job. But Lampy had become very familiar with his routine. He knew his route very well. This particular morning, Lampy was not paying very much attention to where he was going. He was too busy thinking about what he was going to do when work was done. He didn't even see the big nail sticking up in the road. All of a sudden, he heard a "POP." Lampy was hurt, and he couldn't move because his tire had popped. Lampy started to cry, loudly! "Oh, ouch I am hurt, what am I going to do", he wailed. A man who lived on that street came out of his house to see what had happened. "Lampy what's wrong?", he asked. But Lampy was hysterical, and couldn't even answer. Finally the man said, "Lampy, suck it up! Take a deep breath, tell me what happened." Lampy sucked it up, and took a deep breath. He was still whimpering but he told the man what happened. "I'm hurt, it hurts, so bad. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and I ran over a nail, my tire is popped and I can't move. What am I going to do, what am I going to do?", Lampy asked.

"Lampy, it is going to be okay. We will call our friend Mike the Mechanic. He will come and fix your tire. But until he gets here I need you to be brave."

So they called Mike the Mechanic, who rushed over quickly. He fixed Lampy's tire. He put more air in it and patched it up. Lampy was a little scared still, but he was brave. When he had been fixed, he thanked his friend Mike, and he thanked the man who came outside to help him. Lampy said that from now on he would always pay attention to where he was going. And if something did happen, we would stay calm and call for help.

THE END





So that is one of our Lampy stories. There are many more, and I am sure they will popular here for years to come.

Gift giving guide

The holiday season is almost upon us. I know it can be difficult to find the perfect gift. So for those of you in need of assistance, I have compiled a little "catalogue." Some of these are so you know what NOT to give. I have scoured the internet for some of the most interesting gift ideas.

For the avid gardener in your life why not get the Bug Stopper Top. Stylish and effective!

Both in the category of most obnoxious things to wake up to:

It's the Drum Set Alarm. Wakes you up to a rousing drum solo. Drums not your thing? Try the Shocking Alarm Clock. It gives off a lovely alarm noise and when you touch it to turn it off it emits a jolt of electricity.

For the animal lover on your list: The Humunga Tongue! Want to play with your dog and humiliate him at the same time? Well, now you're in luck, it's a ball, it's a tongue, it's Humunga Tongue.

Feeling stressed out from the holidays? Can't get to the spa? Want to commnicate with extra-terrestrials? Here's your solution: The Head Spa.

Do you know someone who deserves some comfort, yet you do not want them to slack off when it comes to housework? Try these comfortable yet practical Mop Slippers.

Seriously, the fart machine #1 was so huge there had to be a #2?

Want to scare the poo out of someone when they go for some T.P? Here is the Talking Toilet Tissue Roll! Remind someone to replace the empty roll, or just give them a scare, you can record your message, and this device will activate and play it when the roll is pulled.

Are your hands tired out from old fashioned "rock-paper-scissors"? With this electronic Rock-Paper-Scissors, you will never get hand cramps again!

Busy, working woman? No time to bother with conventional panty-hose? With Nyce Legs you just spray and go! Yes, nylons in a can.

For the amateur scientist who has everything, and is not satisfied with his current dental hygeine products, the Create Your Own Toothpaste Kit. Really, what more can you say?

Believe it or not, all of these are real products. And are available for purchase at various web-stores. I hope this inspired you to find some creative gifts for your loved ones this year.