Can't get no satisfaction

Someone I know has an addiction........to guitars. It started off innocently enough with an even trade here and there and progressed into full scale madness, where no one guitar seems to ever be right and there are constant transactions. A while back when things started to get out of hand I came to the realization that this is an actual medical condition, so I wrote an article intended for a medical journal to promote awareness of this problem. I soon found that it is not just guitars many people have this disease in different forms. I was also made aware, by a friend, of an additional disease that usually goes hand in hand. Here are the articles:

American journal of Medicine alert regarding BST
We have received information of a new disease, which may soon reach epidemic proportions. This terrible disorder is known as BST (buy sell trade). Afflicted persons are generally unaware of their problem, however if anyone you know is experiencing any of these symptoms seek help immediately. Symptoms include, but are not limited to, discontent, blurred vision (caused by prolonged exposure to computer screens), impaired financial judgment, massive amounts of debt, and angry spouses.
THERE IS NO CURE FOR BST, and treatment is limited. We have learned it can be controlled by confiscation of credit cards and/or parental blocks on computer prohibiting viewing of EBay. We have experimented with other treatments such as; talking, crying, nagging and yelling, and even reason, but those have all proven unsuccessful.
This disease mostly affects musicians, typically guitar players. We have evidence to suggest this may be contagious. Please be vigilant protect your loved ones.


Stewart Goode MD.


The Mao Clinic has just discovered that BST has now mutated into another dangerous illness doctors have dubbed BAD (Buy and Accessorize to Death). Unlike BST, this disease can affect anyone, not just guitar players, although approximately 50% of the known cases involve musicians and golfers! Whereas BST is characterized by frequent purchasing, and then trading of goods, BAD involves the purchase of a seemingly innocent item and then subsequent multiple purchases which the infected believes are now urgently necessary in order to achieve maximum enjoyment of the original purchase.

The disease can also swing into BST if the infected person begins to feel that said purchase is now obsolete and decides to sell and trade for a different/newer model. BST and BAD seem to feed off of one another and the combination is potentially devastating if purchases become larger (ie, automobiles, boats, computers etc.).

Anyone affected by BST or BAD is strongly urged to seek immediate spiritual help by reading passages relating to contentment such as Phillipians 4:11, Hebrews 13:5, 1 Timothy 6:6. To avoid contracting these diseases, people are urged to severely limit time on the Internet and access to related magazines (ie, Golf Digest, musician and equipment magazines, Tiger Direct, etc.). A daily dose of prayer and Scripture reading is also required.

Now if I could just find a way to claim this on my insurance.....